Toxic

We rarely talk about our experiences of toxic relationships because of the stigma attached. If we do discuss it then it is usually long after we have left a negative and damaging situation. It is when we then share what had occurred or briefly skim over the details. Those closest to us will congratulate us on surviving such an abusive relationship and talk about how great it is that we have escaped and how happy our future lives will be now that we have left such a detrimental situation. Without a doubt, it is great that we got out and we are happy or at least can work towards a happier future. But what nobody ever discusses is how difficult it is to unlearn all the toxic traits and coping mechanisms we have developed and adopted as a direct result of our poisonous relationship. We never explore how difficult it is to learn to trust again or how to be in a healthy relationship without overthinking every tiny aspect of our new relationship. How we struggle not to dissect everything our new partner says or does and how we battle to simply accept the love we are given and how it is almost impossible to understand how someone can love us for who we are without assuming they have ulterior motives or question their intentions.

We never remember that when someone hurts us it says more about their character than ours. Yet somehow the abused is left with this unwavering sense of never being worthy or not being good enough to be loved. Somehow our belief in self is so destroyed that we cant imagine how someone could want us just for us. Despite what remains in us from a damaging relationship, we have to do everything within out power not to take the hurt from a previous relationship into the next one, after all, hurt people inevitably hurt people. In the past, I was in an abusive relationship and every time I was verbally, mentally, or physically abused he would apologize and ask for my forgiveness, and each time I forgave him and stayed because I was in love, I didn't want to acknowledge the truth that love should never hurt. I ignored the inner voice that told me he was no good for me, that he was cheating, and that he would never change. Over time his treatment towards me broke me as a person. I was afraid of noises, was afraid to speak my mind, and began to believe I was worthless and started to see myself in such a negative way because of course, I couldn't possibly be of any value if someone treated me in this manner. It took a long time for me to acknowledge that nobody can treat you in such a despicable manner unless you allow them too. I had relinquished my power over to him and I was allowing myself to be treated like this. When that dawned on me it added to my belief that I was less than nothing, because how could I allow this person to control me in this way, how had I been so stupid as to hand over my power to him so fast and so easily. Of course, I stayed longer than I should have but I thought the role of a woman in love was to fight for her man and her relationship. The truth is that as a woman we should play that role only when we are in a healthy relationship, I am quite old fashioned and believe that a woman should take care of her man and to some extent submit to his role as the head of the family, but never forget that this can only work when you have a man worth following. Submitting does not mean losing who you are in that relationship. Confidence, self-worth, and a clear sense of self are extremely vital not to mention attractive and you can follow your man without becoming a shadow of your former self. Retain your individualism, your interests, your drive, your career, but do not make a man feel less of a man because of this. He should be confident that, without requiring you to give up on your goals, aspirations, and pre-existing life, you are still able to form a union wherein you can allow him to take the lead and play his role as the man successfully and for the benefit of you both. Never allow a man to destroy you and your self worth to the point where you forget who you are. I never really understood this until it was too late and never realized how strong I was until being strong was my only option and one day summoned up the courage to leave and never went back. I was no longer the woman I had previously been, I no longer recognized myself. I lacked confidence, had no self-esteem or self-worth, was skinny, would jump if I heard a loud noise or flinch if someone moved too fast, I hated the sound of the telephone ringing and would always have the front door locked. It took me a long time to heal from this experience. However, my healing does not mean that the remnants of this toxic relationship have vanished, to this day I have the telephone in my house on silent as the sound of a ringing phone evoked this dread inside me and instantly transports me back to my past, I hate raised voices as it makes me feel like a small, timid child and if the doorbell rings I feel anxious as I don't know who is on the other side of the door, all these things are remnants of a past life despite me living in another country. These are just a few of the after-effects of being in a toxic relationship and I have no idea if I will ever be able to fully release myself of them, but what I do know is that I am in a far better place now than I was 16 years ago. If you are ever in a relationship and see signs of verbal or possible physical abuse, find the strength to leave immediately because believe me you will never be able to change him and the situation will not get better it will undoubtedly get worse. Always remember an army is only as good as their leader, so if your leader (man) is not worthy of leading then get out as fast as you can. If a man cheats on you, never lower yourself to fight with the other woman, her loyalty doesn't lie with you his does or rather it should. If he is not capable of remaining loyal then he is not capable of loving you how you should be loved. A man that is truly devoted to you can never be enticed to cheat, he can't be lured away or taken from you, always bear in mind that if he cheated it was a conscious choice he made. It does not make you less of a woman, honestly, there is nothing you can do to stop someone doing that, it is merely inherently present in their character and not something that you lack in yourself. Abuse or cheating is never your fault, despite how he may attempt to convince you otherwise. Also when in a healthy relationship you should never have to tell your partner how you want or deserve to be loved. A healthy man and woman will instinctively know how to love and be loved. If you have to beg for attention, love, affection, honesty, loyalty, and devotion. If your mate is unable to express their love and does not allow the world to know that they are with you, then it is merely a friendship as opposed to a relationship. When your partner is proud to be with you they will be proud to acknowledge you publicly.

Love unconditionally and without limit, you may get hurt but that should never stop you from falling in love with another man. Believe in love and have faith that one day you will meet your imperfectly perfect partner. Love him with all of you but never lose yourself in that relationship and always make sure you heal before going into the next encounter. To trust is one of the hardest obstacles you will have to overcome when you have experienced your trust being broken, identify what your fears are, what causes you to mistrust the man you are with now, and recognize that your fears can one day become your reality but it should never become your primary focus or the controlling factor. It is easy to get swept up in our fears and allow them to consume us but fear is what prevents us from living and loving and those fears can damage an otherwise healthy union. Acknowledge that cheating, abuse, or other toxicities can occur but do not allow them to control your thoughts and subsequent behavior. Recognize that the worst can happen but accept that you can also recover from that hurt if it was to occur and take it one day at a time. Allow yourself to love and be loved. Love without limits and know that you deserve to be loved because you are amazing and we all need a partner who worships us and loves us. The worst that can happen is that he cheats or leaves you, but do not make that your only focus within the relationship. Acknowledge that this is the worst-case scenario but never allow fear to dictate your behaviour and thoughts. Fear of being hurt can cripple you and prevent you from living. You deserve better than that. Prepare yourself for a new relationship and make sure you are healed before embarking on someone new. I made the mistake of entering a new relationship with a great man and hurting him as I was not as fully recovered from my past as I had thought. Find a man that will help you grow and become a better version of yourself. Above all, recognize how your toxic relationship has effected you and work towards learning to trust and love again.

When embarking on a new relationship it is easy to have our fears cloud our judgment. One way of addressing out fears is to write them down. Make a list of everything that could go wrong, from the smallest issue like an argument to your biggest fear. Make an honest list and put those fears out there. By really exploring what it is that frightens you and by putting them on paper it can help release them. Once you are satisfied that you have written them all down, read over the list and examine how damaging each obstacle is, how realistic is each one and how devastated will you be if it were to happen. Once you have explored all the possibilities and evaluated whether they are complications you can recover from, set fire to your list. As you watch the list burning permit yourself to feel the sensation of release as you let go of all these negative thoughts, feelings, and fears and begin your journey of love without angst or trepidation.