Do they still love me??

Throughout my pregnancy I never once imagined what it would be like as a parent, I had no real understanding of what being a parent actually meant. Of course I knew that this small, helpless being would need me to feed him, clothe him, wash him and care for him, but I never imagined the extent to which these small beings actually relied on you and needed you. I soon realised and 14 years after giving birth I was able to experience going to the toilet alone again. For 14 years I had these constant shadows following me through life on a daily basis. Wherever I was they went, when I slept they slept, when I ate they ate, when I went to the toilet they watched me like some stalker. But my point is that they have been by my side since the day they were born. Now that they have both hit puberty and are in their „wonderful, cheerful, out-going and chatty“ teenage years there is suddenly this distance between me and my shadows and it suddenly dawned on me that it is distance that I never asked for, nor was I ready for. I always knew that they needed me, but what I wasn’t prepared for was having to admit that I loved them needing me, they were my safety blanket and now suddenly they are becoming independent and no longer need me like before. It was a harsh reality to accept that my babies were and are growing up and they have unbeknown to me become young men. I can’t lie, there was a moment when I felt abandoned and replaced by their friendship circles, but then I had to have a serious talk with myself and acknowledged this was in fact a good thing that they were becoming independent of me. It means that I had done something right and they were now beginning to forge their own way in the world. Plus I can actually go pee alone now.

My initial pain was associated with the loss that I was experiencing and how my mind was equating this loss with a sense of abandonment and a lack of love. But when I reflected on this, my common sense head told me that their independence was in no way linked to their love for me. Our children will always love us, in the same way that my love for my parents has never diminished, the same goes for the love my sons have for me. It will never disappear and simply because they are branching out on their own does not mean the love we shared has gone….it is simply their time to shine and as their parent this is what I have prepared them for and for that very reason I cannot dim that shine but have to embrace it and stand back and watch with pride as my little men forge their way in this world.