Dear Son,

Dear Son,

There are no words that can truly express what I feel for you. No words that will do my love justice, but I will try. My love is not only unconditional but also endless. My emotions are linked to every word and every action.

When I am happy it is because I see you grow, because I see you smile, achieve, conquer and thrive and that is all I can ever hope to witness.

When I am sad it is because I can not take your pain away, I cannot stop you from falling, or hurting or making mistakes and as a mother to feel so helpless is the worst feeling in the world. My job is to protect you and keep you safe and if I cant do that it literally tears my heart.

When I cry it is because I feel as if I have failed you and was somehow unable to give you the one thing you needed in that moment. I cry because I am happy, because I have watched you grow from the dumpling in my tummy to the handsome young man that towers over me right now. My tears are shed because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I have not always done things right. but I cry because I have never recovered from your unrelenting need to protect me, when your job was only to be a child and allow me to protect you.

I laugh because you have the best sense of humour and regardless of what we go through your ability to make me giggle has remained. You can always make me laugh from the pit of my stomach till I am crying and those are some of my best moments with you.

My ultimate moments are when you let me hold you and cuddle you. To feel your arms around me and to once again be that mummy you need, is a feeling that I can never express. I can only hope that one day you will feel the immense love for your child that I have for you.

I will never get tired of hearing Mum, I mean there are days I wish my name was Gertrud, but I will never get tired of being your mum. You will never fathom the love I have for you because there is no love like this anywhere in the world. My love for you is unquestioning and whether I am happy, sad, angry or losing my shit mad that love is never diminished, because you are mine, from my body, my blood and that means that I love you above all else and the pride that exists within me when I look at you is undeniable. You my precious boy are my most treasured accomplishment in life.

One day when I am gone please remember that I loved you before I could feel you kick, I loved you before you could speak, I loved you before you could read and write, I loved you before you could venture in the world alone and I loved you more than life itself even when you felt like you no longer needed me. I LOVED YOU THEN, I LOVE YOU NOW AND I WILL LOVE YOU AFTER I AM GONE