Anger

I genuinely don't think anyone ever dreams about being a single parent. But it is not a dream it is my reality. There are of course, as with most relationships, a myriad of reasons why it was never going to work between me and the father of my children, nevertheless I knew that I couldn't carry around all my resentment and anger. I did for a while and for a very short time that anger spurred me on to complete the difficult task of raising two small boys under the age of 2. But it was a short period because the anger was not healthy for me, I also did not ever want to be one of those parents that allowed their anger and resentment to fester and then be unleashed on my children. After all it wasn't their fault that their father had other plans for his life and that I had made the decision to fall pregnant by this man in the first place. So, I had to make a conscious decision to stop myself from allowing the anger to manifest itself inside me like a poison. I mean it was almost as if I was ingesting poison but expecting it to affect their father, which in and of itself, just makes no logical sense. Plus what good was it to hold on to these feelings, it wasn't as if it would make any difference to my situation, their father didn't know I was angry and even if he did I doubt he would have paid a blind bit of notice and it would not have made the slightest difference to his choices in life. So I got over it and decided that I would do for me and mine in the best way possible. Now that's all well and good and for the better part of 14 years I have managed really well to be happy and content and raise the boys this way too. BUT make no mistake, that anger does rear its ugly head every time I have more month than I have wages, or when the boys have yet another growth spurt but my bank account doesn't, or when the boys need a father/son chat yet all they have is me. But one thing I have learned is how to control my emotions and even if I allow myself a moment of relapse into that dark, angry hole it never lasts long because what good will it do, plus as they always say the best revenge is to show someone how well you have done without them and when I look at my babies and how they are growing into fine young men I know my revenge is sweet........but not revenge in a twisted, evil, sadistic way.....well not totally anyway.