Relationship - sorry, not sorry

I want to explore the topic of dating a single mother, or dating as a single mother. I don’t believe that we were created to be singular, solitary beings. We all crave love and affection, it is good for us and it is soul satisfying. However, when it comes to dating as a single mother there are rules for me, strict rules that I have to apply to any interaction I may have with a man that could potentially lead to a relationship. And I will break it down for you so you can fully understand why those rules are there and why I felt it necessary to implement them. For me, these rules are not there to be broken or played with, they are an essential element to being a single mother entering into a relationship with someone, and imperative in my attempt to protect my innocent children. I say innocent, only because they don’t always fully understand the complexities of a relationship until they are older and have experienced one for themselves. If I am going to be their example then I need to make it a healthy, happy relationship so that they may have something positive to aspire too as they get old enough to enter into one. Which, by the way, is not happening until they are 30.

Before I start exploring these rules and their significance, let me first say this and it is something I have said out right to people that have shown an interest. I had no qualms about ending things with the biological father of my children, so to end it with a man who does not share the same DNA as my children will be as easy as putting butter on bread. With that in mind, no man should ever feel comfortable enough that he can display any type of behaviour and it will be acceptable. Also, no man should ever think that I am so desperate for attention and affection that I am willing to accept anything he throws at me just for the sake of being in a relationship. I am not afraid of my own company. For any man that wants to share my life, they have to be the best of the best, because my life is not just about me, but it is about the babies I have and yes regardless of how old they are, they will always be my babies. So come correct, or don’t come at all.

Rule 1 – Before I even consider having you in my life, you have to understand that I have children. My children will always come before you. Regardless of where we are, what we are doing or how needy you may be at any moment, my boys will come before you. They grew inside me and we are connected and therefore no amount of attention or affection will be enough for them to come second place. Don’t get it twisted, no Vitamin D will ever be that good that my role as your partner overshadows my role as a mother.

Once that is established and understood, then and only then will Rule 2 come into play.

Rule 2 - You will not meet my children within a few days, weeks or months of us meeting or dating. I have to be as sure as sure can be, before someone has the privilege of meeting my boys. YES it is a privilege to meet them as they are my best achievement in this world, so any man should be honoured to be around them. The other reason for this important rule is that I refuse to allow my children to become attached only to have to endure the pain and/or confusion when we both realise that this is not working out.

Rule 3 – Please refer to rule 1, so that you may refresh your memory, but also in the event of meeting them Rule 1 now has more significance and I need to be sure that you have committed Rule 1 to memory.

Rule 4 – You are not moving in until I am completely sure, sure, sure that you are good enough to be around them. I am not about rushing. The best things are worth waiting for, so if you are amazing and meant to be THE ONE, I can and will wait.

Rule 5 – My children are both boys, so as a man and possible role model, your behaviour has to be correct. As I have said before, children’s first teachers are the people in their home, or the people around them. If you can’t teach my boys how to be respectful, how to be a man and how two people, supposedly in love, should treat each other, then you have no business being in their lives. I do not need my sons learning how to mistreat a woman.

Rule 6 – Cheating. Cheating for me is a rule breaker. If I can’t trust you then why should I ever expect my children to trust you? If you cheat and then attempt to blame me because I was not attentive enough, then please let me remind you of Rule 1 because you clearly did not memorise that rule.

Rule 7 – If we have managed to sustain a relationship thus far, then please refer to Rule 1, as a mini refresher course.

So, those are my rules. I have never actually shared those before, but today I thought why not. Some men, and you the reader, may think I am a bitch, I can appreciate your opinion but it is not relevant and here’s why. I may be a single mum, but by definition that does not make me, in any way shape or form, so desperate for a relationship that I will jump into bed with the first guy that tries to sweet talk me or have him up around my children within a few days. My self –respect and self-worth is a lot higher than that. By no means do I think I’m better than anyone, it is not about that. I just know my worth and think I deserve more. On top of that, I also know my children deserve more and they deserve for me to put them first and not my own selfish needs. Rushing into a possible negative relationship, is not necessary, simply for fear of being single, or worse a single mum without a partner. Because again there is almost this stigma attached to single mum’s who are not in a relationship. As if we are not worthy or we should be grateful for any crumb that is left behind. Well, I don’t want a crumb, I want the whole loaf and if I can’t have that then the guy needs to keep walking. Often men assume that a single mum is somewhat desperate to be loved and for that reason will be so grateful for even a smidge of affection, when in reality he just sees it as easy sex. On the other hand some women also feed into this almost negative cycle by projecting this aura of desperation and attracting the wrong men. By the time the women actually admit the men are wrong for them there has been a bond formed between child and man, and sadly the children are left to deal with yet another void in their lives. We need to remember we attract what we project, if you project positivity then that is what you will attract into your world. So ooze self-confidence, self-worth and be a better version of the you from yesterday and eventually you will attract YOUR best of the best.